The Life and Hard Times Of Benjamin Dover
by Roguebfl and Mister SchoolMarm
Poor Benjamin Dover's whole lifetime was stress,
It wasn't his fault that it turned to a mess.
A long time ago and so far, far away,
A baby was born to the Dovers one day,
A cute little cherub, his cheeks were so plump,
They flipped the babe over to check out his rump.
Those cheeks were plump too, and so ruddy and cute
"It's going to be fun to give THIS rump a boot!"
So his parent's conspired to give him a name
That would bring him all sorts of unbearable fame.
Thus "Benjamin Dover" began his career
Of drawing attention to his ample rear.
"Ben Dover!" "Ben Dover!" he heard every day,
And being obedient, this lad would say,
"I obey with a nod, I obey with a tear"
while knowing full well he endangered his rear.
His parents were wicked to give him that name,
It turned his poor backside to smoke and to flame.
No one gave Dover the slightest of slack,
If something went wrong he could count on a WHACK!
It started as soon as he learned how to walk,
For if he would falter or if he would balk,
His parents just barked out his name in command,
And once he complied then the fireworks began.
He learned how to walk which soon turned into runs,
In order to salvage his small chubby buns,
But once he heard "Ben Dover!" crack through the air,
He'd stop and obey, whether full-clothed or bare.
He thought reaching school age would cut him some slack,
But all his name did was endanger his back.
"Ben Dover! Ben Dover!" became frequent chants,
So he'd stop and obey, and get smacked in the pants.
He caught it from students and then caught it from teacher,
And even at church he got drubbed by the preacher.
And each time he caught it by hairbrush or spoon,
Poor Benjamin Dover would howl at the moon.
If poor Ben was just barely tardy to class,
"Ben Dover!" they'd bark and then chastise his ass.
When lack of attention left him without clue,
Then out came the lumber to cause him some rue.
He got it by birch and he got it by tawse,
To hear his own name gave him plenty of pause!
He got it by slipper, he got it by cane,
And even a crop while slung over a mane!
"Ben Dover!" his scoutmaster said with a grin,
Then out came the switch and the fun would begin.
Ben even tried stuffing his pants with a pillow,
But once he was found out, he suffered by willow.
He caught it by rod and he caught it by birch,
He moved through his life with a limp and a lurch.
When school finally ended he thought it was over
Until at commencement they called out "Ben Dover!"
He took his diploma, then dutifully bent,
While his classmates took turns leaving plentiful dents.
He entered the Army to do civic duty,
But each daily roll call was hell on the booty.
On discharge he found a young lady to wed,
And spent the whole honeymoon over the bed,
"Ben Dover, Ben Dover!" his wife would sing out,
Then reach for the hairbrush and give him a clout.
When Poor Ben turned ninety, his whole life a shambles,
They called out his name and then reached for the brambles,
He went to the graveyard the very same day,
Unable to handle that last final flay,
And now it is said when his tombstone is read,
It tilts over promptly to display ...
